Whatever the disability or chronic illness - gaslighting will be something you have to endure. A discussion on how and why gaslighting happens, how to cope with losing friends & finding your tribe.
Snaps, claps and empathetic tribe-member here. You've neatly described what every caregiver goes through, too - I hope you don't mind me extending your reflections to include carers here. We're given solutions/advice /suggestions/ 'have-you-tried this' thoughts all the time. It's rationalised by saying 'they mean well' - I get that but fielding everyone's opinion is exhausting! Using our limited/no energy to explain why it won't work/that it's been tried before feels like a non-stop job! So, I agree it's important to set boundaries early. The good supporters, friends & family are the ones who meld into your routine AS IT IS; they ask how we want things done or say, 'I don't know or understand, so you tell me what you need.'
The trouble is that a lot of people gaslight, think they know a 'better way', or want to be the one with a 'hero' idea that 'saves' you, perhaps so they can tell others what a good deed they did. These folks just can't sit in the difficult discomfort / challenging times with us because it's too uncomfortable.
I don’t mind at all! It absolutely applies to caregivers too - and as you said they also need to conserve their energy. I never even considered the idea of the “hero idea ”but that explains a lot too.
I would love for us all to get better at listening to people in these situations - believing us - and asking how they can support us. If more people focused their energy on supporting and being true allies and less on gaslighting we would all be better off.
I also think there’s an element of denial and not wanting to face the reality that life isn’t fair and you don’t always get support just because you deserve it. That’s hard for people to accept.
Yes, very true. This is why I think online caregiver and support-group forums are important for us to share thoughts. Carers UK is an anonymous forum where Caregivers can vent and get ideas: safe, non-judgemental spaces with people who have a common understanding.
At the same time, sharing our experiences can raise awareness, just as you have here.
100% to all of this. I’ve been disabled my whole life but I never knew what gaslighting was or how much it applied in my life until the last few years. Thanks for writing about such an important topic. Wish it wasn’t something any of us had to deal with but at least knowing about it, having some tools to help deal with it and knowing we’re not alone can help.
Thank you! I agree - I wish we didn’t have to deal with it but I think it’s important we educate and support each other since it can feel incredibly lonely and isolating.
Snaps, claps and empathetic tribe-member here. You've neatly described what every caregiver goes through, too - I hope you don't mind me extending your reflections to include carers here. We're given solutions/advice /suggestions/ 'have-you-tried this' thoughts all the time. It's rationalised by saying 'they mean well' - I get that but fielding everyone's opinion is exhausting! Using our limited/no energy to explain why it won't work/that it's been tried before feels like a non-stop job! So, I agree it's important to set boundaries early. The good supporters, friends & family are the ones who meld into your routine AS IT IS; they ask how we want things done or say, 'I don't know or understand, so you tell me what you need.'
The trouble is that a lot of people gaslight, think they know a 'better way', or want to be the one with a 'hero' idea that 'saves' you, perhaps so they can tell others what a good deed they did. These folks just can't sit in the difficult discomfort / challenging times with us because it's too uncomfortable.
So, lots of resonance, hugs, and I hear you!
I don’t mind at all! It absolutely applies to caregivers too - and as you said they also need to conserve their energy. I never even considered the idea of the “hero idea ”but that explains a lot too.
I would love for us all to get better at listening to people in these situations - believing us - and asking how they can support us. If more people focused their energy on supporting and being true allies and less on gaslighting we would all be better off.
I also think there’s an element of denial and not wanting to face the reality that life isn’t fair and you don’t always get support just because you deserve it. That’s hard for people to accept.
Yes, very true. This is why I think online caregiver and support-group forums are important for us to share thoughts. Carers UK is an anonymous forum where Caregivers can vent and get ideas: safe, non-judgemental spaces with people who have a common understanding.
At the same time, sharing our experiences can raise awareness, just as you have here.
100% to all of this. I’ve been disabled my whole life but I never knew what gaslighting was or how much it applied in my life until the last few years. Thanks for writing about such an important topic. Wish it wasn’t something any of us had to deal with but at least knowing about it, having some tools to help deal with it and knowing we’re not alone can help.
Thank you! I agree - I wish we didn’t have to deal with it but I think it’s important we educate and support each other since it can feel incredibly lonely and isolating.