Libraries - My Safe Haven as a Chronically Ill Child

My public library was my favourite place to go when I was a kid. I savoured the peace, quiet and calm. Looking back - my illnesses were WHY I was drawn to the library. Kids need a port in the storm.

The following post is part of a Seed Pod collaboration about libraries. Seed Pods are a SmallStack community project designed to help smaller publications lift each other up by publishing and cross-promoting around a common theme. We’re helping each other plant the seeds for growth!

When I first heard about this Seed Pod collaboration - I didn’t think I had anything to contribute. I’ve been housebound for almost six years - what could I possibly have to say about libraries when I’m unable to enjoy them?

Then one night I was laying on my bathroom floor - as often happens when my GI issues are out of control - and I started thinking back to how much time I spent in my public library when I was a kid. It was my favourite place in the world. I wanted to be there ALL the time. Other kids wanted to play sports or hang out with friends or be outside… but me? I wanted to go to the library.

That’s when it hit me that perhaps one of the reasons I loved the library so much was because I wasn’t like the other kids. I wasn’t healthy. I was chronically ill and the library felt like one of the few places I was truly safe. A port in the storm if you will - because I never felt safe playing with other children.

I didn’t know that I was chronically ill - many kids don’t. When you’re a child you’re still learning about your body. You don’t know what’s ‘normal’ and what isn’t. If you have a chronic illness or disability from a very young age - you may never know a life without pain. You may not realize that being sick and exhausted all the time isn’t the ‘norm’ for a child.

Children don’t necessarily know how to verbalize what they’re going through. They may not be able to tell their parents that they’re in pain - but it can show in other ways. They may not want to play with other kids. They might be like me and beg to avoid school sports and extra curricular activities. They may sleep more than their peers - choosing to stay in bed over Saturday morning cartoons or parties with friends.

There are often warning signs - but many of us don’t really understand that we’re disabled until we reach adulthood. In my case - it was my first year of University that provided my lightbulb moment. I was suddenly living with other people my own age - and observing what they could do versus what I could do was a punch in the gut.

My Body Didn’t Function Like Everyone Else’s

These kids could party all night and still go to class the next day. They didn’t need to spend their weekends in bed recovering just to be able to get through the next week. They could live on junk food, skip meals and didn’t require copious amounts of coffee to stay upright. They had friends, boyfriends, extra curricular activities and lives outside of JUST attending class.

I - on the other hand - did nothing except attend class and visit student health. If I’m being honest - sometimes I didn’t even attend class. I spent most of my first year of University in bed - catching up on what felt like years worth of sleep from pushing myself in high school. I studied in bed, I wrote papers in bed and I had almost no friends. I attended no parties, never drank, and basically just tried to survive. It was clear I was different - I just didn’t know WHY.

It turns out the WHY was vEDS - a form of Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. It’s a genetic condition that impacts the collagen in your body. Since collagen is literally EVERYWHERE - the disease can impact everything and anything. It can manifest in a thousand different ways. It’s so far reaching that there’s a saying in medicine:

“If you can’t connect the issues - think connective tissues.’

My subtype is vascular - so I get a lot of bleeding, bruising and terribly low blood pressure because the blood vessels in my legs are leaky. I was anemic for the vast majority of my life. I also suffer from dislocations and subluxations which make sports, gym and other physical activities incredibly painful (and dangerous). I developed carpal tunnel before I was old enough to drive. My skin tears so easily that I’m almost constantly wrapped in gauze. My gastrointestinal system doesn’t function properly - nor does my reproductive system. In short - there’s no part of me that hasn’t been touched by this condition.

Photo by Jaredd Craig on Unsplash

Image Description: A photo of a stack of books forming a circle with one book opened in the centre. There’s rows of books behind it with a red exit sign.

Which brings us back to libraries and my childhood. Is this why I always wanted to be at the library? Could the fact that I had vEDS explain why I found solace sitting among books and adults rather than playing with children?

The answer is YES.

Don’t get me wrong - I adore books. I was the definition of a nerdy child. I grew up wanting to be a writer - and for ten glorious years I had the privilege of doing it professionally. I was a theatre critic for the largest digital theatre website on the web and freelanced for most of Canada’s newspapers. I’m confident I would have loved libraries even if I hadn’t been sick.

But understanding my illnesses - knowing that I was sick even as a child - helps me to recognize why the library was the place I felt the most safe. It was quiet, temperature controlled and filled with calm and empathetic grown ups. More often that not - senior citizens. I always connected with adults better than children - perhaps because I felt like I was living in the body of an 80 year old from a tender age. Perhaps because they were more inclined to notice my suffering and provide compassion - whereas kids just teased me for being different.

I think back to my local library - and picture the environment. It was dimly lit except for where you would sit to read. It had big beautiful marble columns and a marble floor. It had natural light that wasn’t too harsh - and plenty of nooks and crannies if you needed shade. It had a children’s section - but it was in the basement so that the rest of the library maintained a quiet sense of calm. The halls were lined with chaise lounges so you could recline while reading. The bathrooms were clean and always accessible. Most importantly - there were books everywhere.

I found it hard to make friends given how ‘different’ I was - so I took solace in books. Books never let me down. I never felt judged or disliked when reading a book. I could read about the world and learn about it in an accessible way - since my ability to experience it was hampered by my medical conditions.

What a gift that was.

In the end - my library gave me a so much joy. It provided a safe and quiet place for me to simply ‘be’. It loaned me the books that would shape my life, teach me about the world around me and help me become a writer. It gave me hope that one day I would find a place where I belonged - and that maybe I would even tell my own stories. That perhaps in the future - a young girl who was confused, lonely and in pain would sit in a library of her own and find solace in reading MY words. That hope got me through many difficult times.

To my library - I say thank you. Thank you for always welcoming me with open arms. For showing me that there was a big wide world out there even if I couldn’t ever physically explore it. For introducing me to all my favourite books and writers. For gently nurturing my love of reading and for NEVER judging me. I hope all kids have a place they can feel that safe - we all need one.

Want to see more posts from this Seed Pod or join in on the fun? Head over to our thread to learn more!

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What was your safe place as a child? Did you enjoy the library as much as me? If you were chronically ill did you KNOW when you were little? Or did it take time to come to that realization? I would love to hear your stories in the comments!